


I just need to know you're all right

by Ghost_Writer



Category: Swimming RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-09
Updated: 2014-06-09
Packaged: 2018-01-25 18:05:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1657550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghost_Writer/pseuds/Ghost_Writer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael came to Mesa make sure Ryan was all right because he he knew he was to blame for Ryan being hurt</p>
            </blockquote>





	I just need to know you're all right

**Author's Note:**

  * For [natyantunes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/natyantunes/gifts), [jeahwriting](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeahwriting/gifts).



> This was sitting in a file on my laptop since Mesa, lets just all pretend those picture of MP and Ry didn't happen.

Maybe it was that last phone call. Maybe it was the way he said those last words before smashing the phone. Maybe it was because he just couldn't stand being alone anymore, but Michael wanted to ask Ryan's for forgiveness. Not ask- those were the wrong words- Michael thought to himself, sitting by himself far away from the others. He knew that when he would be standing in front of Ryan that he would be begging. There was no other way to get Ryan back.

He had managed not to contact Ryan since the last phonecall, since Ryan asked him to stay away six months ago but now here at Mesa, being so near Ryan, everything was falling apart.

There was the race, he would be back in the pool again with Ryan. He knew Ryan would never let the world know how much Michael had hurt him. Michael wouldn't blame Ryan if he punched him right there and then.

For a moment he could pretend they were still....whatever they had been before it all fell apart in London.

Ran walked past Michael only brushing lightly against Michael's skin. Michael didn't want to feel aroused, but he hadn't felt Ryan in a long time. Michael watched Ryan walk away completely ignoring the fact that Michael was there or even existing. Even if Ryan hadn't ask him to follow, Michael knew that he couldn't leave Ryan now. So Michael just followed Ryan to where ever he was heading.

Michael knew Ryan was ignoring him, Ryan was good at ignoring people he was angry with, no.... he was good at ignoring Michael.

 

 

"Why don't you leave Michael? I don't need you hanging around me like this" Ryan asked once he reached the lifts not even turning around to face Michael ''what are you expecting to happen?''

Michael looked down at his feet "I can't leave you until we work this out Doggy. Can you just give me that?"

"We already settled this before. Remember? Or does that time I hung up on you not come to mind?" Ryan replied hitting the button for the lifts again.

"Then will you talk about what happend? I need it." Michael asked looking Ryan in the eye for the first time since London

 ''You need it. What about me Mike, what about what I need? I aksed you to leave me alone'' Ryan retorted

''I am sorry'' Michael said almost inaudible ''I never meant....nothing I say can undo what i did but please i need to talk to you about..i need to make....''

Ryan closed his eyes and let out a sigh. Michael remembered from the first time that Ryan had been disappointed at the fact Michael was never open about their relationship.

''Mike, I....'' Ryan looked up at Michael looking like he was searching for an answer for why he should listen to Michael and what he had to say ''Sure''

Michael sighed a breath of relief ''Thank you''  
  
Ryan hit the lift button again ''Why did you come back?''

''I...just...needed....'' Michael paused not sure how to formulate that the only reason he came back was because he needed to know Ryan was all right.

The liftdoors opened before Michael got a chance to answer properly. Ryan stepped into the lift holding the door so Michael could follow him.

''I always knew you would come back'' Ryan said as the liftdoors closed, leaving them in a very confined space, it was the first time they had been in the same room since London ''but i prayed you wouldn't''

Michael just nodded ''You always knew me better that i knew myself''

Ryan stared at the numbers climbing as the lift took them up to his floor.

''Ry I understand that...''  
  
''Michael don't....don't say you understand that I am angry because you don't know the pain you put me through when you left'' Ryan said 

 ''Don't you think i don't hate myself for that? That I have spent the last six months hating myself for what i did to you? I came back to....''  
  
Ryan let out a bitter laugh ''Those six months must have been hard on you. I spent the first month after London crying myself to sleep, the second month i spent drinking trying to get you off my mind. And I have spent too many nights since lying awake wondering what I did to deserve what you did to me. So don't give me some bullshit about how hard you have had it. And if you came to get forgiveness then....' 

''I am sorry Ry''

Ryan shook his head ''Do you know how long it took before your face wasn't the last thing i saw at night?  How long it took before I stopped hoping it was all a bad dream?''

The doors opened and Ryan was the first to exit making his way down the hall to his room. Michael followed the older swimmer hoping he wouldn't shut the door in his face.

Ryan opened the door and walk into the dark room, he didn't close it behind him. Michael followed Ryan into the room, praying this was a sign that Ryan was open to hearing him out.

 

 

Ryan was sitting on the bed in the corner of the room, the room was dark only the bedside lamp was on casting a weird shadow over Ryan. Michael could see for the first time that day that Ryan looked like he had been awake for weeks. He was aimlessly rubbing his knee.  Michael didn't see the Ryan he loved sitting on the bed he saw a broken man, a man he broke.

''How is your knee'' Michael asked closing the space between him and Ryan

Ryan stopped rubbing ''Fine''  
  
''That bad'' Michael replied

Ryan just smiled ''Yes it is pretty bad, I hate that you always knew when I wasn't fine. And i hate that you can still tell I am lying''

Michael sat down next to Ryan ''I think I was avoiding you because I knew how much I had hurt you. You didn't deserve what i did to you not after....''  
  
''Eight years'' 

Michael nodded ''Eight years is a long time''

Ryan moved up the bed so his head was resting against the wall ''We were dating, weren't we? I mean I didnt't make it all up in my head?''  
  
Michael stayed sitting in the same spot ''It had worked out fine when it was just....but when we became more I....I don't know it freaked me out. I didn't know how to react to the fact that our friends with benefits relationship had turned into a real relationship.''

''And you think it didn't freak me out?'' Ryan asked

Michael shook his head ''Nothing freaks you out''

''A lot freaks me out like how I didn't see that you wanted out of our relationship''

''It wasn't your fault Ry''  
  
''I know'' Ryan sighed ''but it felt like it was''

Michael felt his heart break at that revelation ''Conor told me that you had gotten into this self-destructive behaviour and nobody knew why. That you did some bad things to yourself''

Ryan closed his eyes ''I...tried to forget you...but you fucking everywhere...I couldnt even eat cereal without seeing your fucking face''

''You seemed fine on your show''  
  
Ryan shrugged ''Turns out I can act after all unlike some....''

Michael turned to look at Ryan ''What is that suppose to mean?''  
  
''How many times did you say you wouldn't becoming back to swimming, did you really think anybody believed that?''  
  
Michael laughed as he moved up the bed till he was sitting next to Ryan.

''This is the closest we have been since that night in Charlotte before....''  
  
Michael smiled ''Charlotte was the last time I actually felt that the person I was with cared about me and not my bankaccount''

''You didn't look like you cared'' Ryan replied going back to rubbing his knee.

Michael got up off the bed ''Do you want some ice for that'' 

Ryan shook his head ''You always were good at avoiding questions you didn't want to answer''

''Well you can thank Peter for that.  And I did mind, each time I told myself that this girl would be different...but it only took a few weeks before I realised why she was with me. 

''Sucks'' 

''I never felt so alone but i had brought it on myself'' Michael sat back down on the bed and put his head in his hands

''Your not crying are you'' Ryan asked putting a hand on his shoulder

''I am sorry Ryan, you didn't deserve what I did to you.  I did the one thing I promised myself I would never do. It is okay if you don't love me anymore, I just wanted to make sure you were all right''

Ryan took his hand off Michael's shoulder ''I wasn't. I think we both haven't been all right since London but I am gonna be all right. We have to move on with our life. Not dwell on the pass, it isnt healthy''

Michael stood up and turned to face Ryan ''Good, I will go now leave you just like you asked me to. I just needed to be sure that you weren't hurting anymore. I will leave you to find someone else to love and....'' Michael tried to hold back the tears ''I know that because I love you I have to give you that''

''Michael you did hurt me but I never stopped loving you. I don't want to love anybody else'' Ryan replied after minutes of excrusiating silence 

Michael looked up at Ryan, looked into Ryan's eyes and felt like nothing had happend between them that it had all been a dream ''But..''

''I know, we can't go back to how we were too much has happend''

''Where....where does this leave us now?'' Michael asked sitting down on the bed

''I don't know'' Ryan replied ''I really don't know''

**Author's Note:**

> for natyantunes and jeahwritting for helping me get through TMH and cope with all the feels


End file.
